A SOMMELIER is trained and certified expert in wine. But nowadays WATER experts have also appeared on the scene. And connoisseurs of tea, cheese, cigar, syrup and even bath experts are not far behind in the mind-boggling usage of abstract terminology in trying to pep-talk their way into the hearts of prospective customers of not only fine wines but also various other exotic products.
For instance, common descriptive terminology in defining ‘mineral’ water:
Heard these ones?
1. “Oh, this water is great! It has the right consistency, temperature and smoothness!
(The only consistency that presently comes to mind is of paint mixtures, temperature when the weather gets to –30 C and smoothness of my handicrafts.
2. This wine has texture.
For instance, common descriptive terminology in defining ‘mineral’ water:
Heard these ones?
1. “Oh, this water is great! It has the right consistency, temperature and smoothness!
(The only consistency that presently comes to mind is of paint mixtures, temperature when the weather gets to –30 C and smoothness of my handicrafts.
2. This wine has texture.
(I thought only surfaces have this property) Imagine wine being rough on your palate?
3. This wine/water comes an amusing bouquet.
(I was thinking of a ‘bouquet of flowers’ and the amusing anecdote that came along with it)
4. This water is crispier and lighter!
(Toast and chips crispy, yes. But crispy water, no.
And how does one measure water in the mouth for weight—is there a weighing scale fitted in there?)
5. This water has a very light spritz, it can energise your palate.
(Spritz? What’s that? I’ve no idea. Or is it some kind of a battery for a palate or an exhausted battery due for a recharge so that it can energise you palate?
6. This water comes with a flavour!
(Flavour? From where? The kitchen? Artificial?)
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