All Jokes Aside

MISGUIDED VISITOR

We’ve been doing Arts & Crafts Shows all over Ontario for over a decade now. But one visitor at a high-end juried craft show had this to say: “I haven’t seen you guys here before, and hey what am I saying, but then I don’t come here every year anyway. Or, maybe you were so swarmed with people that I didn’t see your booth.” I had nothing to say.

All Jokes Aside

BAD EYESIGHT

 A lady walks in my friend’s booth and tries about 40 hats in 40 minutes, looking at herself in the mirror at every try. Finally, she settles for the lowest priced scarf instead of a hat, saying that had it not been for her bad eye-sight she would have even tried some more hats.

All Jokes Aside

TO EACH HIS OWN

 

An apparently keen customer, after visiting our booth, had thefollowing to say before his departure:

 

“ I’ll tell you this, I love pickles, but I’m trying to make my own.”

All Jokes Aside

COMPETITOR PRETENDING/POSING AS A SECRET ADMIRER!

One who loves your product, but admires it standing far away from your booth while pretending to look the other way.

All Jokes Aside

LONG WAIT! CLEVER BUYER!

YESTERDAY (First day of Craft Show).

Customer after trying several samples goes:

“Are you here tomorrow?  I live in this neighbourhood you know?

ME:  Not sure. I live in Caledon you know? 57 km away.

CUST:  Do you do credit?

ME:  Yes, we do.

CUST:  On second thought, I prefer to pay cash.
           See you tomorrow then?

ME:  May be. Not sure.

Customer leaves.

TODAY: (The 2nd and final day of the show). The show is closed. I’ve torn down the booth. I'm ready to leave. The customer from the neighbourhood with the second thought of paying by cash hasn't shown up yet.

ALL Jokes Aside

The Wandering Art Connoisseur

at an Arts & Crafts Show

in Ontario

Wanderer:  Beautiful art.

Me:            Thank you.

Wanderer:  I used to paint long ago. I just gave up!

Me:            So, then what happened?

Wanderer:  By the way, where are you from?

Me:            Mississauga, Ontario.

Wanderer:  No, that's not what I mean. I mean where are you originally from?

Me:            Why does it matter? Ah! now I know why you gave up. You

                 were more interested in knowing where the buyers were originally                    from. You were a wanderer.

APPLIED SAMPLING LAW

Sometimes when sales are low at Arts & Crafts Shows, the rains do not help. At one point we were wondering, anxious to know what was going to happen when it started pouring yesterday, but luckily the rain stopped and it was a comfort to see some people walking into our marquee.

So at noon while I was just sitting and pondering what the heck is going to happen to this show after it started raining, with nothing much to do other than look at the cloudy skies, the following occurred to me upon reflection of our condition. It dawned on me what had transpired during the previous three days. As usual, we, vendors, are quite adept in adapting to any situation, and take in stride the snide or odd remarks by the stray or wayward, wandering visitor who had perhaps nothing better to do during the day than have a go at my sanity and try my patience both at the same time!

Here's a sampling for your amusement. I hope you find it funny. Enjoy it.

APPLIED SAMPLING LAW IN A JURIED CRAFT SHOW

1. What does one call a time period of over 15 minutes that is spent in reaching a final decision to purchase one jar of pickles?
~   EXTENDED DELIBERATION !

2. What do you call 2 people trying to arrive in a tied decision to make a final commitment in a vote to purchase a single jar of relish?
~   A TIED VOTE !

3. What does one call a situation when a customer fails to purchase your product after trying about 12 flavours of chutneys and pickles?
~   MISTRIAL !

4. What do you call the questioning of one by others in a group of visitors, trying to discredit his firm belief in his choice of a certain type of pickle that he or she likes?
            
~   CROSS-EXAMINATION !

5. What do you call an instance when a customer tells you that he/she has decided to purchase at the next show.

~   ADJOURNMENT !

6.  What does one call a group of between 6 or 12 persons who fail to reach a verdict to buy ONE jar of relish?

~   HUNG JURY !

© Tony Fernandes - Edna's Pickles

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

When I mentioned to visitor to my booth that this wood-burning drawing on the box above was done by me using my hand, he blurted out: "Are you serious?" 

NO KIDDING

No kidding, but this man who visited my Art Booth and admired my work said that he had tried his hand at Wood-burning or Pyrography, which is an art of decorating wood or other materials with patterns or drawing burnt into wood resulting from the controlled application of a heated stylus attached to a hand-held pen. This, he said, was when he was in his teens and since his work did not turn out to his satisfaction, he gave it up. So I told him that perhaps it's too late now anyway, and that he was probably not using the right type of matches for his craft at the time!

WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?

This one of a kind visitor to my booth was not interested in my art - he was more keen in knowing where I originally came from!

All Jokes Aside

Typical Sampler's Samples

Samplers quips after trying

samples.

F.A.Q.

 1.  Lovely! I'm just doing my rounds first!

 2.  I just had my lunch. Next time.

 3.  Sorry not now. I'm full.

 4.  My mother makes pickles.

 5.  Where do you sell these?

 6.  How do you eat these?

 7.  What do you do with these?

 8.  Do you make these?

 9.  Who is Edna?

10.  Are you really Edna?

11.  My aunt's name is Edna.

12.  My wife is around the corner somewhere. I'll tell her.

13.  Wait. I'll ask my wife.

14.  Are they all hot?

15.  Are the recipes for pickles in your Recipe Book?

16.  Lovely taste. Can I have your business card.

17.  Where do you make these?

19.  Do you have a store?

20.  Is Edna your real name?

21.  Can I read the nutrition facts?

22.  Where do you buy your products from?

23.  How long do they last?

24.  Do you have a spoon?

25.  Can I have on a rice cracker instead of on a wheat thin?

THEY LEFT WALLETS AT HOME!

WET WALLETS

Many people attended our last craft show
 and the park was full;
lot of people who visited bought arts and crafts,
 but at this show no one purchased anything
 because they thought it would rain.
 So they left their wallets at home
 because they thought they would get wet.

ALL JOKES ASIDE

GONE GOAN RESTAURANTS

There was a restaurant nearby where we once lived and we often bought ‘Naan’ from there. But that restaurant is now closed and we have ‘None’.

Then there was another restaurant called “Cumin and Goan’. Unfortunately when the restaurant shut down, they said the restaurant was ‘Gone’.

Call it lost Goan pride, but there was once a restaurant called 'Pride of Goa', but it proudly shut down after a few years of operation. 

SURVIVE OR NOT TO SURVIVE

It just started pouring rain with thunder and lightning just soon after we sat set up our booth at a craft show. I did not know whether to stay or leave. But my kind vendor friend and neigbour had this to say. “Just do what you need to do. It’s your choice. Survival is not mandatory”.

FARMERS

The real farmers are really down to earth. They stand their ground no matter what.

FOR SHOW

One woman insisted and admitted that her products were not real after all. She confided that they were just ‘Faux show’.

ORIGINAL, ORIGINAL COPY OR DUPLICATE ORIGINAL

Three guys were arguing. All were artists in their own right/ One guy said his work was “Original Photography”, the second one said it was an Original Copy of his own work, while the third said that he was sure it was a “Duplicate Original”.

ALL JOKES ASIDE

WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?

Real-life experiences at Arts & Crafts Shows

Customer, seeing my book

on display, goes:  "Goa, Memories of My Homeland.

                             Whose memories are these?"

Me:               Mine.

Customer:     And you wrote this book?

Me:               Yes, I did.

Customer:     So, what is your real name?

Me:               The one on the cover, of course...Tony Fernandes...why?

Customer:     How come you have a Christian name?

Me:               Because there are Christians in India.

Customer:     Really? How? Why? And where exactly is Goa?

Me:               http://bit.ly/117ynWQ        
                      

SO, WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME?

REAL NAME

I sell my book ‘GOA—Memories of My Homeland’ at Arts & Craft Shows. It’s there, placed on a stand at the point of sale, so visitors to the show can see the publication.

Here are some FAQs:

1. Where is Goa?

2. So, you wrote this book?

3. Whose Memories are these?

4. So, what is Goa?

5. So, who is Tony Fernandes?

6. What is your real name?

7. Why do you have a western name?

8. Are there any Christians in India?

So here are some

Brief Notes about Goa

Calm and Serene
Mandrem, North Goa

The magnificent Church of
Our Lady of Immaculate Conception
Panjim - Capital

Known around the world for its serene beauty, GOA is located south of Mumbai, India. 

The poems were written by me over the last many years. They are memories of my childhood years as I grew up and studied in Goa during the rule of the erstwhile Portuguese, studied Segundo Grau Portuguese as a second language, served Mass in Latin as an altar boy, and graduated from an English speaking High school, run by the Order of the Franciscans Minor Capuchins. Anthony is my original name and 'real' name. Fondly called Tony - given to me at birth, baptized and confirmed in a church-going Catholic family.

Tony, which is my real name, has never been changed from another name. Many people have Christian names in India for the simple reason that there are so many Christians in various different denominations of Christianity in India - a fact that some people in the west do not know about. 

It gained full-fledged statehood on 12th August 1987. Prior to that, it was a Union Territory for 26 years, after four and a half centuries of Portuguese rule. It is 1,022 metres above sea-level with an area of 3700 sq.km.

Its capital is Panaji.  Goa comprises of districts like Ilhas, Bardez, Salcette, Ponda, Marmagoa, Bicholim, Satari, Pernem, Quepem, Sanguem, and Canacona. Its captital is Panaji. Its other major cities are  Margao,  Mapsa and Vasco da Gama and Marmagoa which has a natural

harbour.

Statue of Abade Faria, Master of Hypnotism
Panjim

http://tonferns.blogspot.ca/2012/08/abade-faria-great-goan-hypnotist_12.html

Goa’s  main rivers are the Zuari, Mandovi and Chapora. It has beautiful palm-fringed and scenic beaches like Colva, Candolim , Calangute, Vagator and Arambol with golden sands all along its western coast line. Spanning across the eastern part of Goa is the magnificent mountain range called the Western Ghats. Nestled among those hills are the famous 3-tier water-falls called Dudsagar.

Tiracol River, North Goa

With a total population of approximately 1.2 million, it is bustling with activity. It is a world famous tourist destination with excellent air, sea, rail and interstate bus connections. Besides having the first lighthouse in Asia, and the first printing press in India (1556) established by the Jesuits, it has numerous archaeological sites like ancient forts for the connoisseur to study and explore besides ancient temples and churches.

Basilica of Bom Jesus, Old Goa.

Goa is famous for its architectural grandeur – its ancient churches, temples and mosques. Goans are a peace-loving people with a strong sense of community, taking pride in their own distinct culture and heritage.

In a modern cosmopolitan world, Goa has managed to preserve its old world charm.

All Jokes Aside

FAVOURITE GETAWAY

(Real-life experiences at Arts & Crafts Show)

Yet another favourite and proven getaway: He pretends he’s is in a hurry. He stands opposite the booth immediately after yours, looks over his shoulder and examines your merchandise.

Repeats the above process at every booth.

ALL JOKES ASIDE

CONFUSED BUYER

Real-life experiences at Arts & Crafts Shows

This guy comes straight in. He has a typical unmistakable air about him. He thinks he knows everything, he pretends. Reads the sign out loud. “EDNA’S PICKLES”. “Who’s Edna?” he barks in a demanding tone. Looks minutely at all products. Backs off a little. Steps forward again. Checks one more time. Tastes. Smacks audibly. Backs off yet again. Disappears. Comes again and promises to buy at the next show.

ALL JOKES ASIDE

QUOTABLE QUOTES
REAL LIFE EXPERIENCES AT ART & CRAFT SHOWS

PRETENCE DEVELOPED INTO A FORM OF FINE ART!

This guy walks slowly hugging any one side of an aisle, and while he does that he looks away from the row of booths on that side while maintaining his constant gaze towards your side – that way he completely gets away in ignoring both sides of the aisle – one by looking away yet remaining close to it and the other by keeping the distance. Clever bloke! 

ALL JOKES ASIDE

JUST-A-LOOKER AND HIS WALKING TRAITS

·    Walks straight in the centre of the aisle looking both ways; giving one the impression of a rooster watching a tennis match.

·    Ignores you and other potential buyers, tasters, etc. completely. His eyes are set only at new products.

·    Avoids eye contact.

·    IF ITS’S A SINGLE ROW OF BOOTHS, he walks furthest away from the aisle, on the far side. If I may put it this way: Totally noncommittal!

·    His gaze is high above the ground. Looks only at everything that is 5 ft. above the ground.

On accidental eye contact, he hastens his pace.

ALL JOKES ASIDE (Craft Shows)

OBSERVATIONS

 

Customers :

Man with folded arms:  1.  Wants to remain non-committed

                                  2.  Has nothing better to do.

Man with both hands in pockets:  1.   Looking for loose change

                                                2.  Broke.

Man with one hand in pocket:  1.  Not sure what he wants

                                                    (in life, or otherwise)

                                            2.  Jingling loose change

                                                    (toonies and loonies)

 

Man/Woman

with wallet/purse in hand :   Pretending to buy

Man/woman

Both hands at the back :     They've got something to hide

Man/Woman holding

Spouse’s hand :                  They want nothing - except each other.

Man holding wife’s purse:     Doesn’t want her to spend

Man/Woman with dark glasses             

(in dimly-lit aisles, day or night:   1. They probably think they can

                                                    remain anonymous OR they want

                                                    to avoid absolutely all eye contact.

     

                                                2.  For sure they’ve been on a sampling spree
                                                     here once or twice  before, but now they 
                                                           are wearing shades, foolishly thinking that
                                                           they can fool me!

ALL JOKES ASIDE

WATCH A WEIGHT WATCHER !

 

(Real Life Experiences at Craft Shows)

 

A friend of mine makes excellent gourmet vinegar.
Customers sample a drop or two from a tiny hand-held dropper.

My friend:  (to a customer) who’s been standing in front of his booth,

staring, for at least 5 minutes at the dropper:  “ Would you like to try a sample, sir?”

Customer:  "Sorry, no, I’m watching my weight”